Hey hey, be careful with that
That was our bed, you know, guys?
I had heard that the Israelis had cornered the moving business
like the Greeks with diners, but, I mean,
it seems unusual, you know, to have Jewish movers
Right? Doing such muscle oriented work?
What are you, another self hating New York Jew?
Mm hm Yes, I am Yeah
(* Young Marble Giants: Salad Days)
Yeah No
Bye
Are you sure about this?
You're saying this now, after the truck is loaded?
I don't know Yes I don't know Yes I don't know I don't want to lose you
See, this is the problem It's only because I'm out the door
that you're finally asking me to stop
It's like you don't take action until it's too late
I'm taking action now Don't go
Jonathan
It doesn't matter
Whoa, whoa, whoa What?
I told you months ago that if we were gonna make this work
you had to stop drinking and smoking pot
And you didn't That was our deal
- It's dangerous to go cold turkey. Oh!
I'm down to white wine I can't help it, all right?
I still like the way pot makes me think
Maybe it's healthy Pot's not healthy
They give it to cancer patients
You don't have cancer Not yet
(Sighs) Goodbye, Jonathan Let's go
Please
Come on I get it, all right?
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm crazy
I'll quit the pot And the white wine
- She left you? Yeah I'm an idiot
Too much pot and white wine
She was sweet I liked her But you gotta rebound fast
That's the best cure I mean, just go on Craigslist
Yeah, I don't know
Maybe it's too soon I feel like (Glass shatters)
Jojo, what did you do? (Laughing)
(* Kaiser Cartel: Favorite Song)
Ah! (Phone)
Hello? Oh, hey, Ray
That sucks, man I thought you guys were just mildly unhappy
It happened all of a sudden She announced the move two days ago
Are you destroyed? You gotta be destroyed, right? Are you destroyed?
Last time I was heartbroken I felt like someone
had put on my head one of those falcon hoods, you know,
and all I could see was complete darkness
- A falcon hood? Yeah
Anyway, why didn't you tell me?
Because I thought she was bluffing
I didn't think she would actually move out
And then out of nowhere these super efficient Israeli mover guys show up
All of a sudden it's like the raid on Entebbe in my own apartment
Let me get my computer. What is the raid on Entebbe?
It's It was an Israeli tactical, uh, group of peop
Fuck it, I don't know. You used the words "falcon hood"
I know what a falcon hood is Everybody knows what a falcon hood is
- Really? Yeah
Falcon hood, anyone?
Raid on Entebbe?
OK, we're even
Anyway, do you think you can get her back? - No, I don't think so.
I feel like Suzanne started to think that I was a loser
because I'm struggling to write, I mean, this second novel...
Yeah, listen, just yesterday Leah was like,
"Why don't you teach art in a public school?" I'm not gonna teach art at a public school
I don't wake up till 11am "Go teach art"
But if you did teach it would be a steady income
Don't be disgusting
Those women were into us because we were artists
And then reality hits and no money and no real future,
and then, you know pfft
Leah is gonna break up with me any minute now
- I mean, we haven't had sex in weeks. We are losers
- We're not losers, OK? We are
Look, you're gonna be on my website next week
I made you a therapist Look at that
I wish you'd made me someone more heroic
You are heroic
Therapists are heroic They're the heroes of listening
Next time give me some big muscles, some superpowers
At least in your comic I can be a hero
Yeah, but look at that picture of me It's pretty cool, isn't it?
(Bleeping)
(Phone)
Hello (Woman) I saw your ad
What? What ad?
Craigslist, Missing Persons
Yes, of course I'm sorry
Most of my clients are word of mouth, so I forgot about my ad
How can I help you?
It's about my sister I think she's missing
What do you mean, you think?
She hasn't answered her phone for two days and her voicemail is full
And I came up from Philadelphia to go to a concert with her and she's not in her dorm
Where are you? Let's discuss this in person
(* Young Marble Giants: Choci Loni)
Rachel?
- Mr Ames? Yes
- Can I sit down? OK
Very nice to meet you I'm really glad you found me on Craigslist
I love Craigslist I use it for everything
I didn't know what to do so I typed in "missing persons" and found you
And you said your rates were reasonable? They're very reasonable
They're $100 for the day
I guess I can afford that
Great OK Then down to business
- Do you have a picture of your sister? No
Wait, I do on my phone
Great (Clears throat)
Who's that? Her gross boyfriend Vincent
What's gross about him besides that tattoo?
I don't know He's English, and he's a bartender
- And he's old, like, 30. That's not old I'm 30
Anyway, they fight all the time
My sister says even though Vincent is a total jerk,
they have amazing sex
Guys who are assholes are always the best at sex
It sucks. I don't know why the world is like that
But nice guys can be good too, you know thoughtful, attentive, just loving
Whatever. I think Vincent's a meth head
And she wanted to break up with him
And maybe he went homicidal on her
Break ups can be hard on a guy
What? My girlfriend moved out today
It's actually kind of upsetting Um
Are you really a private detective?
Yes I think the thing to do is find this Vincent
Find him, we find her
Cherchez I'homme I don't understand you
Oh, instead of "cherchez la femme" I'm gonna try something different
Cherchez I'homme Do you speak French?
No, I'm taking Spanish
Espanol It means "find the man"
(* Tobias Froberg: When The Night Turns Cold)
- Where did Lisa meet Vincent? At the bar where he works
The Parkside Lounge (Phone)
Everyone at NYU goes there because they don't card
Hi, George Where are you?
I'm working, uh, a job
Don't forget you're working for me tonight It's important
Right, I know I'll be there, OK?
OK Bye
Another case closed
(Horns blaring)
Are you really a professional?
As I put in my ad, I'm not licensed
But I will find your sister, I promise
I want to help you
I hope everything will be all right This whole thing is really weird
Don't worry Get home I'll call you later tonight, OK?
Penn Station
Hey, Niko
Where have you been? George is pissed He's drunk already?
Don't pull that Anglophile bullshit, OK? He's pissed as in angry at you
The party's almost over All we've got left are D list celebrities
He wanted you to get good quotes for the party page
I know I'm sorry I've had a bad day Well, what happened?
Suzanne moved out, broke up with me
I'm sorry to hear that It's all right
How are you and Sam doing? Actually, we broke up too
That's strange, that we should both be going through break ups at the same time
Actually, I'm happier alone
The only reason to be with somebody is to have sex
I don't need sex When you're doing it, it's OK, but when you're not it's like, what's the point?
Yeah, I guess
Oh, here comes George I'd better get to work
Do you have any pot?
Uh, yeah Of course you do
That's very clever of you
That's what you used to do before you quit smoking pot
That's why I thought it was clever I'm still off pot, by the way,
except when you tempt me, which is very very bad of you
What? This is my Viagra bottle
What are you doing with marijuana in my Viagra bottle?
You gave me that bottle months ago
There were two pills left in it You told me I should try them
Now I'm putting my pot in that Are you insane?
What if you got arrested for marijuana possession?
Page Six would have a field day
I can't have (Door opens)
Hello? Hello
I can't have the world knowing that I use Viagra
Do you really need to take so much? - Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
My heart medicine and heavy drinking have taken a toll
I'm not what I once was
But I accept that It's called humility
Then why are you back on pot?
Because I'm bored
God, I'm bored
Death by a thousand dull conversations
I don't know what's going on,
almost everybody has bad wine breath tonight
It's like Chernobyl out there
Do you think we drink too much?
No, no, we don't drink too much
Men face reality and women don't
That's why men need to drink That's a line from my novel
Yeah, well, you stole it from me
No, I didn't Yeah, actually you did
Actually no, I didn't - Fine, Jonathan.
Anyway, Suzanne moved out today, because she says I drink too much
Well, I'm not surprised
Why do you say that? Because you're like me, Jonathan
We enthral and then we disappoint
It used to take me several years Now it's a couple of weeks
If I'm with a woman longer than that then there's something wrong with her
But why? Why are your relationships so short now?
Ah Well, I
I don't lie as well as I used to, I guess
Well, that means you're more honest
(Grunts)
No (Laughs)
These one hitters should really be called three hitters
You can steal that line too if you want
Well, I hope that answered your question Thank you
Parkside Lounge, Manhattan
Is Vincent Ellis working tonight?
(* Big Lazy: Skinless Boneless)
What would you like? Uh, just some white wine
No, wait Whisky, no ice
(Coughs)
- Excuse me. Yeah?
I called earlier tonight Someone told me that Vincent started working at nine
You spoke to me He called a little while ago, said he wasn't coming in
Do you know where he might be?
What do you want to know?
Do you know where he lives? He's not listed in the phone book
I'll tell you one thing, he's not home
Can you tell me another thing then, like where he's at?
He's at the Velma Hotel
He didn't tell me, but it came up on the caller ID
Thanks for the information You've been very helpful
(Coughs)
I've been laying off the whisky
I've been on a white wine regimen, trying to save a relationship
Good for you
(* Young Marble Giants: This Way)
(Coughing)
Is there a Vincent Ellis staying here?
Vincent Ellis? Fuck you
Have you seen these two? Fuck you
Come on, man, you don't have to curse so much
Can I sit in the lobby and see if they come out for cigarettes or something?
No, you can rent a room
60 for three hours, 90 for the night
You do that, you can sit in that chair
(Snapping fingers)
Do people use their real names in this place?
(* Big Lazy: Latin Quarter)
Did I miss anything? Did they go out?
Don't say it
I saw the man He went out and came back in already, with beer
Wait, what about the girl? No girl
What room is he staying in?
- 313.
(* Young Marble Giants: Radio Silents)
Vincent? Vincent Ellis?
What the hell is going on out here?
Nothing I'm sorry
You want a date, baby?
I just had a client cancel on me
You know, I can't right now, but thank you
Um
What the fuck is going on? Are you Vincent Ellis?
No
It's OK It's OK I'm here to help you Your sister sent me Everything is fine
- I'm a private detective. What? Eh?
Wait, whoa, whoa Get out of my room
- Put that out. Put that out. Get out of our room
Go on - Put that out, come on.
- Get out of our fucking room. Come on!
(Muffled) Vincent, no!
- (Phone) Go on!
Who the fuck is calling you?
Can you wait one second, please?
It's my boss calling. I'm gonna answer it. He hates if I don't answer it
Hello, George Ames, I'm craving marijuana I can't sleep
You got me started again Can you come over?
Don't blame me You're the one who asked for pot at the party
But I really can't come over right now
Don't be a milquetoast Where are you, Brooklyn?
Hop in a car service I'll pay
Are you at a party? Are there women?
(Muffled screaming) (Vincent) Get out
Uh, I have to go, George No, I'll come to you
I have to go, George Bye Who the fuck are you?
I'm a private detective. Rachel Klein asked me to look for Lisa
Why is she tied to the bed? I don't believe you're a detective
Well, I'm not a licensed private detective
I'm a writer
Ah Well what kind of writer?
A novelist, some journalism
But I've been struggling with my second novel They're the hardest to write
I write Yeah, I write songs
(Groans) It's really what I want to do with my life
(Jonathan) That's cool
But listen, what's going on? Lisa's sister is really worried
They were supposed to go to a concert
(Vincent) Well, I'll tell you what's going on
She broke up with me I'm trying to put things back together
(Jonathan) Really? My girlfriend broke up with me
She moved out today I'm pretty upset
And you just let her go?
That's not cool You have to be a man when that happens
(Muffled) Are you kidding me?
Yeah, yeah, I let her go
Why is Lisa tied to the bed? I don't like the looks of that
Well who are you to judge?
Eh? We're role playing Yeah Stockholm syndrome
That's why we got this sleazy room, to make it authentic
Huh I've always been intrigued by Stockholm syndrome
It makes me think of my childhood
Yeah, well, she's supposed to fall in love with her captor
In this case, fall back in love (Jonathan) Hm
(Quietly) I should have tried that
Can I come out now?
All right But you'd better be cool
- (Sniffs) What's that smell? Meth
Oh, come on, man, you can't smoke meth
It's all chemicals I have pot It's natural It's better for you
- Can I have a hit? Yes
Do you want a hit? Can we take the washcloth out of her mouth?
No, we need to stay in our roles
(Mumbles) Also she still wants to break up with me
and I really don't want to hear about it
My girlfriend broke up with me because she says
I smoke too much pot and drink too much white wine
She's right
How can you love someone if you're in a fog the whole time?
You want a hit of meth? - I've never, but if...
(Knocks on door) (Man) Police!
Shit Fuck Uh, coming
- (Lisa shouting) Um Get rid of this
Open up
OK
Can I help you, officers?
There was some kind of fight going on up in there
Excuse me
(Muffled) Oh, God Clears throat)
(lnhales deeply)
Are these two men abusing you? I'm fine They're not abusing me
That is my ex boyfriend Don't say that
But I don't even know who that guy is
I think there's something wrong with him All right, step out in the hallway, sir
- I was just trying to help. Uh huh
I'm a writer Mm hm, let's go
(* El Gato: Never Thought I Was Invincible)
So let me ask you
why'd you pull this Craigslist stunt?
For the money? - No, not at all.
I wasn't in my right mind, OK?
My girlfriend just broke up with me I don't wanna hear about your love life
I actually lost money on this whole thing I forgot to tell the little sister about expenses
In the books I've read, the private detective always asks for expenses
I've spent 80 on bribes, 60 on a hotel
All right, shut up Listen
You didn't actually break any laws
And the girl and her boyfriend are not filing a complaint, after all
Whew So we'll do some paperwork
I'm not breaking up with you, but you had better get that tattoo changed
I'm sick of looking at that "Lisa" right on your belly
- It's your name! Um
But that's the other Lisa Can you wait one second, sir? Just
Lisa Lisa! Call your sister and let her know you're all right
Or I can call her I already called her, asshole
Thanks for not pressing charges
What is your problem? I was just
Don't you ever pull a stunt like this again
If you go back on that Craigslist and impersonate an investigator,
you're gonna end up in Rikers
And I don't see you thriving in that environment
(* Andrew Bull: Lull)
Hey We gotta sit outside
Some early morning post natal yoga class exploded
It's like a nursery in there I got you coffee
Thank you - OK, so look.
I'm glad you called me, cos I want to talk to you too
You can go first, but I gotta tell you I had a really wild night last night
OK, let me go first and then you, OK?
So I'm at Leah's last night I'm laying in bed I'm waiting for her to put her kids to sleep
Last night was supposed to be the night that we, you know, broke our cold streak sexwise
So she's putting her kids to sleep and I'm waiting and I'm thinking,
"I want to be put to sleep. I want to be tucked in
"I want to be the only child in a woman's life"
So anyway, I'm waiting She finally comes to the bedroom around 10:30 and she goes,
"Can I shut my eyes for ten minutes?"
That turns into the rest of the night. She was out cold
- That's terrible, but you would not believe... I'm not
Oh, I'm sorry Do you want to say
No, no, if you're not OK, just let me
So then I leave around one am
She's been calling all morning "How can you abandon me?
"How can you be so insensitive to my abandonment issues?"
And there's only so much that, you know
It sounds so awful, but listen to me
I got into a really What?
- There's Leah. What?
How dare you leave me in the middle of the night like a one night stand?
One night stand? I wish it was You should have stayed and held me
What am I, a hot-water bottle? I'm a man I have needs
You call this monogamy? I call it celibacy
Those are big words for you
Did you read them in one of your comic books?
(Crying) I read them in my diary
(Whimpering)
(Sighs)
(* Young Marble Giants: Brand New Life)
Jane Lessing? Jonathan Ames
Yeah, I believe I can help you